Knowing ahead of time what situations may become problematic as you bring new family members together can help you prepare. With an extra dose of patience and grace, should a complication arise you will be able to handle them.
Factors That May Affect Your Relationship
Children who are mourning the loss of a deceased parent or divorce of their birth parents may need time to heal before they can fully accept you as a new parent. For those whose birth parents are still alive, remarriage may mean the end of hope that their parents will reunite. Even if it has been several years since the separation, kids even adult ones often hang onto that hope for a long time. However this reality can make them feel angry, hurt, and confused, from a child’s perspective.
Other factors that may affect the transition into step parenting:
- What are the ages of the children. Younger kids generally have an easier time than older kids, when it comes to adjusting and forming new relationships.
- How long you’ve known them. Usually, the longer you know the kids, the better the relationship. There are exceptions (for example, if you were friends with the parents before they separated and are blamed for the break-up), but in most cases having a history together makes the transition a little smoother.
- How long you dated the parent before marriage. Again, there are exceptions but typically if you don’t rush into the relationship with the adult, kids have a good sense that you are in this for the long haul.
- How well the parent you marry gets along with the ex-spouse. This is a major factor. Minimal conflict and open communication between ex-partners can make a big difference on how easily kids accept you as their stepparent. When adults keep negative comments out of earshot, it’s much easier for kids to transition to new living arrangements.
- How much time the kids spend with you. Try bonding with the kids every second weekend – Remember to put their needs first: If kids want time with their birth parent, they should get it. Smooth the path to a better relationship, sometimes making yourself scarce can help in the long run.
Tips for Step Parents
All parents face difficulties now and then. But when you’re a stepparent, this can open up power struggles within the family whether it’s from the kids, your partner’s ex-spouse, or even your partner – those obstacles are compounded by the fact that you are not the birth parent. Putting the kids’ needs first can help you make good decisions, when times get tough.
Following are a few pointers on how:
- Affection and consistent rules above all else, kids need love. Giving them toys or treats, can lead to a situation where you feel like you’re trading gifts for love especially if they’re not earned with good grades or behavior. Similarly, if you feel guilty for treating your biological kids differently from your stepchildren, don’t buy gifts to make up for it. Do your best to treat them more equally.
- House rules matter. Keep your house rules as consistent as possible for all kids, whether they’re your kids from a previous relationship, your partner’s kids from a previous relationship, or new children you have had together. There will be different rules for young children from teens, but they should remain applied at all times. This helps kids adjust to transitions, like moving to a new house or welcoming a new baby, and helps them feel that all kids in your home are treated equally. If kids are dealing with two very different sets of rules in each home, it may be time for an adults-only family meeting – otherwise kids can learn to “work the system” for short-term gain but long-term problems.
- Create new family traditions. Try new activites with your blended family, try something that everyone is willing to try. Some new family traditions can include trivia nights, bush walking together, cooking, building a famil garden or even creating a family song. Kids are smart and will quickly figure out if you’re trying to force a relationship – The key is to have fun together, not to try to win their love.
- Respect all parents. When a partner’s ex is deceased, it’s important to be sensitive to and honor that person. If you and your partner share custody with the birth parent, try to be courteous and compassionate in your interactions with each other (regardless of how difficult that sometime can be!). Never say negative things about the birth parent in front of the kids. Doing so often backfires and kids get angry with the parent making the remarks. No child likes to hear their parents criticized, even if he or she is complaining about them to you.
- Don’t use kids as messengers or go-betweens. Try not to question kids about what’s happening – they’ll resent it when they feel that they’re being asked to “spy” on another parent in the other household. Communicate directly with the other parent about relevant matters, such as scheduling, visitation, health issues, or school problems, wherever possible. Online custody calendars make this process a little easier because parents can note visitation days and share this information with each other via the Internet.
- Communitcate with your spouse or partner. Communication between you and your partner is important so that you can make parenting decisions together. If you each have different notions on parenting and discipline this is especially crucial. Talk to your partner about what would be the best way to get to know the kids if you’re new to stepparenting. Use resources to find out what kids of different ages are interested in – and don’t forget to ask them.
Similar to a loving family member or mentor, the initial role of a stepparent is that of another caring adult in a child’s life. You may desire a closer bond right away, and might wonder what you’re doing wrong if your new stepchild doesn’t warm up to you or your kids as quickly as you’d like – but relationships need time to grow.
Start out slow and try not to rush into things. Let things develop naturally – kids can tell when adults are being fake or insincere. You can develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your stepchildren over time. Which doesn’t necessarily have to resemble the one they share with their birth parents. No matter what the circumstances of your new family, chances are there’ll be some bumps along the way. But don’t give up trying to make things work – they still can (and probably will) improve as you and your new family members get to know each other better even if things started off a little rocky.
For more step parenting and parenting advice be sure to visit ParentingQnA.com
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